god what a fucking day. today was busy as hell and a ride. full of ups and
downs. i'm kinda writing this to recollect on what happened, so i'll try not to
forget anything but i'll definitely forget something. so basically the day
begins pretty early (9am, early for me) to do some "olympics" event thing for
first years. basically lots of activities and shit that you can go around and
do. though i won't lie and say i didn't have fun, i was doing the entire thing
alone. i walked around and saw people hanging out in groups, both large and
small, as well as just partners doing stuff together, and that made me depressed
as hell. like, these were first years like me, and somehow they already had a
full friend group or a super close friend. made me depressed as fuck, and after
doing some events and shit i took a break to be sad for a little while. i found
a building where the top floor was basically just empty, so i had the entire
floor to myself to just chill, away from others, so i could cry. speaking of
which, i now have "places to cry on campus where others won't notice" in my
search history, and it's only my second day here lol things are going great. i
spent like half an hour just crying and contemplating if any of this shit is
right for me and what i'm doing wrong, if i'm just unlikable as a person
fundamentally, standard sad stuff. but i had a thing i needed to go to, some
presentation thing for all first years, so i sucked up my remaining tears and
went to that. ngl at the beginning i deadass was holding in tears and on the
verge of balling my eyes out for no fucking reason, but i had to restrain
myself. also unrelated but god the place was so hot, sweaty, and smelly, like
holy shit packing together that many people in a room when it's already hot to
begin with was just... a fun time. but ok, it was basically a typical
motivational speech, this one was about ethics and figuring out who *you* are,
about how who *you* are is about your values and not what you do or where you're
from or anything, which is exactly the stuff that people ask about at first as
if your entire *self* is connected to that. so whatever, motivational speech.
and it sounds stupid as fuck, but like... it actually kinda helped? like, human
brains are weird, i know motivational speeches tap into parts of ur brain to
make it resonate, but god damn did it work. like i was actually feeling cheered
up and happy by the end of it, which was weird but you wouldn't catch me
complaining. so fuck yeah, then i had to go to another insight meeting, which
can i just say holy shit these suck, i'll have to do these all through A and B
term and everyone has to do them, but they're so long and boring lmao. but i
went to it and it was basically what i expected, standard shit, and yeah. but i
wasn't feeling sad, i was actually feeling pretty damn good. in addition, i made
conversation with the others at my table, we inquired about programming and
stuff like that and honestly it felt like, a friend group? everyone was super
nice and the stickers on my laptop made for a great conversation starter, it was
great. so then after yet another hour (maybe more idk time is meaningless) it
was over, so i went back into my dorm, and i was thinking hey you know what
would be a great way to get to know everyone else here in this house? if i set
up my wii in our living room and loaded some games onto it. and, like, it
worked! people were so fucking excited when they saw that i was setting up a
wii, like i think the first person who saw it was so pumped and went and told
everyone else and everyone came out, and we had a really fun time playing some
mario kart. one of them invited some other friends over and we just played mario
kart. almost everyone went out to dinner, except me and the people who were
invited over cuz we were playing still and it was fun as fuck. and after this,
we went over to the greek carnival which was happening tonight. basically an
outdoor party thing where there were snacks and shit, and of course greek life
organizations looking to recruit and shit. there was one that sparked my
interest but i can't get over the fact that, greek life seems really culty.
like, uncomfortably culty. it honestly seems like a good time, and i have no ill
will towards anyone who takes part in it. apparently at this college 20% of all
students participate, which is pretty high tbh. and they do great stuff, they
were all super nice, but like, idk, something felt off. the entire reason i want
to join a fraternity is to get a better social life and have fun activities to
do with others, so i might bite the bullet and see what it's all about, i'm
honestly not sure. realistically i probably won't, at least not this year, but
it's definitely something to consider. anyways, i'd seen quite a bit, so i went
to the food court to get something to eat. and as i was eating, this cleaning
lady came over and gave me such a warm welcome. like... they could tell i was a
first year and gave me such a warm welcome, said they believed in me and if i
ever don't believe in myself to go to them, and they just were so nice. i was
eating alone, next to tables of groups eating with each other, but i didn't even
care at this point, i was genuinely so flattered. i'm sure it's something done
to everyone who happens to be in the food court at the right time, but still, it
was so nice and charming. and now i'm here, writing all of this. the crazy thing
is it's not even 9pm yet... a lot of the day is still not done. today was busy
though, and i think i'm gonna call it for the day. crazy how it went from decent
to terrible to good to awesome, like what a ride. so yeah, honestly, i don't
know if the rest of the year in college is gonna be like this; i hope not since
that would be kinda overwhelming and i want some free time to myself, but god
damn what a day. i don't know, its weird and i don't know how to feel, and
honestly at this point i think that's okay. i'm just along for the ride. i'm
trusting the process, since so far, it seems to work out alright.