so ok i guess im a college student now, thats kinda cool i guess. i decided im
gonna try to journal my thoughts down about shit going on every day, whether or
not i'll actually follow through with this is another thing, but we'll see. im
gonna try to journal as much as i can, even if i miss a day i won't just stop
completely hopefully, cuz this seems like a good thing to do maybe. anyways, i
was dropped off and i unpacked my stuff and then basically we had new student
orientation throughout the entire day which tbh was kinda meh. like everyone
seems nice and i'm meeting people but the activities they're making us do for
the insight program seem really pointless, like they talk about how fun it will
be but it's all mandatory, like it counts as a class credit, which is just
lowkey a little weird. apparently it counts as a PE credit which is nice i
guess, but still. either way, i'll try not to be so negative about this, i'm
sure if i make the most of it it will be a fun time. it will get me out of my
dorm at least lmao. speaking of which, i wanna try to do that, like not stay in
my dorm as much and do stuff. even if thats just hanging out outside or in other
buildings, a change of scenary is really nice and it's something i haven't
really gotten at home since i spend all day in my room in bed when there's
nothing else that's required for me. recently it's resulted in a worsening
mental state for me, like at first i was hesitant to call it depression and i
just figured its weird things relating to my ADHD but i've now pretty much
accepted that yup its depression alright, and obviously it ties in to ADHD but
it definitely is depression let's not beat around the bush here. been thinking
about a lot of stuff these past few days tbh. no reason in particular, i just
have been. like, i finally came to accept that i'm cis, which i've actually been
kinda questioning over the past few months. not that i thought i was trans, but
non-binary or demiboy or whatever. i've come to realize that i can be male and
still not fit masculine stereotypes, like i can identify as one gender but still
express myself however the fuck i want, and fuck people who say otherwise. i've
also felt lots of loneliness (despite having some friends, and one close friend
who i really just started to get close with over the summer, tho of course now
i'm in college and she's not so realistically we'll probably drift apart. not
that i want to, like i want to stay friends with her and keep in contact but
just being realistic here, friendships like this drift apart eventually which
sucks but whatever). i also have another fairly close friend but we don't talk a
*huge* amount, but he's still cool and i enjoy talking to him and hanging out
with him when we got the chance. anyways hopefully i'll be able to make some
friends here, that's kinda been a worry of mine. it seems like lots of people
already know each other and are just naturally social, and like i'm just not.
i'm awkward and weird as fuck. and i hate it but maybe something will come out
of it. hell, i still don't know how i became friends with most of the people i
became friends with, like fr i don't see what's special about me or why i
deserve their time and attention but i guess i do and i should probably accept
that, but i just don't get it. like friendships just naturally happen i guess,
but they happen infrequently. back in high school, basically everyone knew me,
and i was on good terms with basically eeveryone, so in that sense i had a lot
of ""friends"". but, i was never picked for group projects, i wasn't part of any
exclusive group chats or anything, i really didn't have any real close friends,
or in that sense, real ""friends"" at all, except for maybe one or two. i don't
want that to happen again, but i worry that my personality is such that that's
just inevitable. i wont be able to make close friends and i sure as fuck wont
find a girlfriend because seriously how the actual fuck does that happen, like
what's even the process there jesus christ. im confused about life and how
people just know how to live, i was never taught and i think even if i was
taught i'd still struggle. i also get super emotionally attached to the people
who i become friends with, like too much where it's a problem i think. like that
close friend of mine, we often vent to each other about things, which honestly i
don't mind at all being the recipient of her venting/frustrations/feelings and
shit. i feel like i can't do a huge amount, but i can listen, and oftentimes
that's enough (sometimes not but idk). i also vent to her, and she says she's
okay with it, and i'm sure she is, but sometimes i worry if i do too mcuh. like
i just complain and complain and complain, and really my life isn't that bad all
things considered so why the fuck am i complaining so  much about dumb shit. i
worry it gets annoying or weird, so i try to suppress myself because i feel so
much bullshit, but then i spill it out anyways, she tells me not to apologize, i
apologize for apologizing, rinse and repeat. and sometimes she's busy throughout
the day so when she doesn't reply i get ansy which i think is unhealthy,
actually no that's definitely unhealthy but i do and i don't know how to stop. i
know the fact that i'm a wreck isn't special because lots of other people are as
well, but fuck it's difficult and i struggle to process and handle my own
emotions, let alone interact with others in an even semi-normal way. what was i
talking about? oh yeah college, fuck im a college student now, shit, what the
fuck, am i ready for this shit, doesn't fucking matter i'm here now WOOOOOOO
FUCK YES